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| Tripken 18 posts msg #108469 - Ignore Tripken |
10/22/2012 7:54:47 PM What Is Couple Sex?--- An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs. |
| ham1198 174 posts msg #108798 - Ignore ham1198 |
11/14/2012 8:46:43 AM A Technical Analyst and a Fundamental Analyst are chatting about the markets in the kitchen. Accidentally one of them knocks a kitchen knife off the table landing right in the fundamental analyst’s foot! The fundamental analyst yells at the technician, asking him why he didn’t catch the knife? “You know Technicians don’t catch falling knives!” , the technician responded. He in turn asks the fundamental analyst why he didn’t move his foot out of the way? The Fundamental analyst responds, “ I didn’t think it could go that low”. |
| TheRumpledOne 6,529 posts msg #109096 - Ignore TheRumpledOne |
12/1/2012 5:44:41 PM DRINKS FOR EVERYONE, BUT THE REPUBLICAN A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't need to be an Einstein, to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss. So the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"' So just to make his point one more time, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. But, as before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" Completely frustrated, the union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dumb idiot does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts or what?" "Nope," replies the bartender; "He owns the joint." |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #109109 - Ignore johnpaulca |
12/4/2012 9:53:10 AM Source: Trading Advantage Q: What’s the difference between an investor and a pigeon? A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a house. Q: What’s the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker? A: A tie. Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two … one to change the bulb, the other to sell off the old one at the highest price possible before CNBC reports that it’s burned out. Q: What’s the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A: A bond matures Q. What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's? A. The economist is the one with the calculator. The First Law of Economics: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist. The Second Law of Economics: They're both wrong. |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #109369 - Ignore johnpaulca |
12/13/2012 12:27:36 PM Christmas..... Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins...... |
| fdb222 11 posts msg #109712 - Ignore fdb222 |
12/30/2012 5:21:14 PM How do you know your girl friend is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothers |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #109858 - Ignore johnpaulca |
1/4/2013 10:52:24 PM only in Canada...lol |
| Tripken 18 posts msg #111098 - Ignore Tripken |
2/6/2013 9:08:55 PM The Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says......... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk." "Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon." With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, wees saved! Ees a bacon tree!" "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!" And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath.... "Pepe... Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? " "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees.... Ees..... Ees.... Ees.... Ees... Ees.... Ees..... a ham bush...." SORRY. I know there's something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldn't help it! Little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent too, didn't you - I know you did! You are grinning.....aren't you! |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #111215 - Ignore johnpaulca |
2/8/2013 11:24:30 AM Caution, you will laugh out loud with this... so make sure you have that ability. Chili Cook-Off If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL . Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.' Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a Can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I Am worried about judge number #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, And I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the World sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report |
| pirate67 99 posts msg #114616 - Ignore pirate67 |
7/24/2013 11:57:30 AM What can you get for $5 dollars? Dan and Stan were sitting on a bench, wondering what to do. They only had $5 between them and they wanted to do something fun. Five dollars wasn't enough to go to the movies, get drinks at a bar, eat a nice meal or anything they liked to do. Exasperated, Stan says "just give me the $5, I'll go in that Rite-Aid and find something. Just trust me, I'll figure something out." Dan gives him the five and waits outside. A few minutes later, Stan emerges with a huge smile on his face. "Dan! I found the perfect thing! It's so awesome, you're never going to believe it!" "OK...what did you get?" Stan proudly holds out a box of tampons. Dan says "What the hell did you get those for?!" Stan says "Dude, read the side of the box. With these, we can go swimming, we can go horseback riding, we can play tennis.... |
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