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| ham1198 174 posts msg #58295 - Ignore ham1198 |
12/19/2007 2:36:35 PM THE DECISION A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your pecker was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.' The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new pecker that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.' The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.' The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have,' says the man. 'And has she helped you in making the decision?' 'She has,' says the man. 'And what is it?' asks the doctor. 'We're getting a new kitchen.' |
| davesaint86 726 posts msg #58297 - Ignore davesaint86 |
12/19/2007 3:32:10 PM A hunter was wadering through the woods looking for game to shoot. Suddendly he came upon a stark naked women. The hunter asked her if she was game. She replied yes. So he shot her. Dave |
| ham1198 174 posts msg #58313 - Ignore ham1198 |
12/20/2007 8:04:18 AM A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. |
| conyeuchua 83 posts msg #58490 - Ignore conyeuchua modified |
12/24/2007 9:45:16 PM Ho Ho Ho Source: http://patrick.net/housing/MrHousingBubble2.gif 
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| conyeuchua 83 posts msg #58491 - Ignore conyeuchua modified |
12/24/2007 9:48:42 PM Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas, everybody! Source: http://www.jsmineset.com/cwsimages/inventory/55802_CaptCrunch.jpg 
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| conyeuchua 83 posts msg #58597 - Ignore conyeuchua |
12/28/2007 8:28:09 PM Dr. Seuss and Broker Joe http://bigpicture.typepad.com/comments/files/2007_xmas_cdo.pdf |
| bfuddled 1 posts msg #58620 - Ignore bfuddled |
12/30/2007 4:12:42 PM Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #58623 - Ignore johnpaulca |
12/30/2007 10:37:45 PM An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over. "What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman. As the officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?". To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!". |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #58850 - Ignore johnpaulca |
1/9/2008 1:29:21 PM The Pope and Clinton The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage, in front of a huge crowd. ‘Her Majesty’ and ‘His Holiness’, however, have seen it all before so to make it a little more interesting the senator says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in this crowd go wild?” He doubts this, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such arrogance, considers what he should do. “That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.” The senator seriously and presidential candidate doubts this, and tells him this. So the Pope slaps her upside the head. Crowd goes wild. |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #58851 - Ignore johnpaulca |
1/9/2008 1:32:04 PM Ron Paul, a fiesty Texas Libertarian whose also a physician, has been campaigning for the United States presidency and is (currently) threatening to upend the battle for Republican nomination. While he’s been around forever, even placing 3rd in the 1988 Presidential election, still little is known about him. In classic F&J fashion, we’ll break the ice with a few Ron Paul jokes. Shall we begin? IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW: Some claim Ron Paul supporters spam online polls, but the truth is they all have the same I.P. address because… Hey! LOOK kittens! Q: Why doesn’t Ron Paul ever turn off the lights? A: That kind of on-again / off-again policy is against his principles. Q: Why does Ron Paul support the Constitution? A: He remembers when it was signed. FACT: To a Ron Paul supporter the first 10 amendments to the U.S. Constitution are collectively known as the Bill of Wrongs! FACT: Never trust a man with two first names. FACT: Only one man throughout history has ever gotten more respect than Ron Paul. Rodney Dangerfield. Knock Knock? Who’s There? Ron. Ron Who? Exactly. Q: How do you know you are in a room with a Ron Paul Supporter? A: He’ll tell you. (Ok, this one is everywhere) Q: What will former Vice President Dick Cheney say to President Elect Ron Paul when he bumps into him at the Inauguration Ball? A: Pardon me. |
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