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| betyerbottomdollar 169 posts msg #51166 - Ignore betyerbottomdollar |
4/16/2007 7:13:11 PM How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler. |
| msummer2007 129 posts msg #51167 - Ignore msummer2007 |
4/16/2007 7:36:17 PM A married couple are in the master bedroom bathroom in the morning. The husband Robert is shaving at the sink, when his wife Rachael steps out of the shower and grabs a towel. She walks up to the steamed mirror, and wiping it clean with her towel, notices how small her breasts are. So she cups them in her hand, to imagine what they would look like larger and better formed. Rachael asks her husband Robert, would you enjoy sex more with me if my breasts were larger. Robert, not paying attention tells her that her breasts are just perfect the way they are. Now, Rachael is serious, and asks her husband if she can have a breast enlargement procedure. So Robert tells her, she doesn't need that. She should just rub toilet paper on her breasts everyday for the next 6 months. That will make them a lot larger. Rachael says that won't work. Robert replies yes it will, just look what it did for your ass. |
| TheRumpledOne 6,529 posts msg #51252 - Ignore TheRumpledOne |
4/20/2007 3:30:32 PM http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic2067.htm |
| lockwhiz 206 posts msg #51362 - Ignore lockwhiz |
4/27/2007 9:39:55 PM HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services." Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton |
| Niagara 49 posts msg #51374 - Ignore Niagara |
4/29/2007 5:26:57 PM http://www.cxoadvisory.com/cartoons/Default.asp A series of investment oriented cartoons. |
| TheRumpledOne 6,529 posts msg #51706 - Ignore TheRumpledOne |
5/20/2007 3:58:53 PM LAWYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK A MEXICAN GRANDMA A QUESTION IF THEY AREN'T PREPARED FOR THE ANSWER: IN A TRIAL, IN A SMALL TOWN in TEXAS, A PROSECUTING ATTORNEY CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS, A MEXICAN GRANDMOTHER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN TO THE STAND. HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED, MRS SANCHEZ,"DO YOU KNOW ME?" SHE RESPONDED, "SI, I MEAN, JESS I KNOW YOU MR. WILLIAMS. I KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE A CHAVALITO (little boy for you gringos) AND FRANKLY YOU'VE BEEN A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME. YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, AND YOU MANIPULATE PEOPLE AND TALK ABOUT THEM BEHIND THEIR BACKS. YOU THINK YOU'RE A BIG SHOT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T THE BRAINS TO REALIZE YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO NOTHIN' BUT A TWO BIT PAPERPUSHER. YES I KNOW YOU." THE LAWYER WAS STUNNED. NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO DO, HE POINTED ACROSS THE ROOM AND ASKED, MRS. SANCHEZ, DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY? SHE AGAIN REPLIED, "WHY JESS I DO. I'VE KNOWN MR. RODRIGUEZ SINCE HE WAS A CHAVALITO TOO. HE'S LAZY, GORDO (fat), AND HE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. HE CAN'T HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH NOBODY AND HE HAS THE WORST LAW PRACTICE IN THE STATE. HA! AND NOT TO MENTION HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH THREE DIFFERENT PUTAS, ONE OF THEM WAS YOUR WIFE. YOU MEMBER? I KNOW MR. RODRIGUEZ, HIS MAMA IS NOT PROUD OF HIM." THE DEFENSE ATTORNEY ALMOST DIED. THE JUDGE ASKED BOTH COUNSELORS TO APPROACH THE BENCH AND IN A VERY QUIET VOICE SAID ... "IF EITHER OF YOU PENDEJOS ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS ME, I'LL SEND YOU TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR." |
| TheRumpledOne 6,529 posts msg #51866 - Ignore TheRumpledOne |
5/29/2007 3:05:34 PM Funny videos... watch them while you can! http://www.broadcaster.com/video/player.php?clip=5768 |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #51880 - Ignore johnpaulca |
5/30/2007 4:21:16 PM Louisiana Law A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up onhis tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited. The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." |
| lockwhiz 206 posts msg #51885 - Ignore lockwhiz |
5/30/2007 9:07:20 PM This KEYSTONE LITE beer commercial got me ROTFLMAO !! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssj0IqXYt9Q ...classic bluetooth ! |
| TheRumpledOne 6,529 posts msg #51960 - Ignore TheRumpledOne |
6/4/2007 11:08:32 AM HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , form erly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ). Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines. |
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