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| DMOBRIEN 381 posts msg #91121 - Ignore DMOBRIEN |
4/13/2010 3:33:05 AM In my inbox =) They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow... -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.. |
| TheRumpledOne 6,529 posts msg #91167 - Ignore TheRumpledOne |
4/14/2010 10:23:56 AM Dinner Roll .. Once upon a time I was invited to the White House for a private dinner with the President. I am a respected businessman, with a factory that produces memory chips for computers and portable electronics. There was some talk that my industry was being scrutinized by the administration, but I paid it no mind. I live in a FREE country. There's nothing that the government can do to me if I've broken no laws. My wealth was EARNED honestly, and an invitation to dinner with an American President is an honor. I checked my coat, was greeted by the Chief of Staff, and joined the President in a yellow dining room. We sat across from each other at a table draped in white linen. The Great Seal was embossed on the china. Uniformed staff served our dinner. The meal was served, and I was startled when my waiter suddenly reached out, plucked a dinner roll off my plate and began nibbling it as he walked back to the kitchen.. "Sorry 'bout that," said the President. "Andrew is very hungry." "I don't appreciate..." I began, but as I looked into the calm brown eyes across from me, I felt immediately guilty and petty. It was just a dinner roll. "Of course," I concluded, and reached for my glass. Before I could, however, another waiter reached forward, took the glass away and swallowed the wine in a single gulp. "And his brother, Eric, is very thirsty," said the President. I didn't say anything. The President is testing my compassion, I thought. I withheld my comments and decided to play along. I don't want to seem unkind.. My plate was whisked away before I had tasted a bite. "Eric's children are also quite hungry." With a lurch, I crashed to the floor. My chair had been pulled out from under me. I stood, brushing myself off angrily, and watched as it was carried from the room. And their grandmother can't stand for long." I excused myself, smiling outwardly, but inside feeling like a fool. Obviously I had been invited to the White House to be sport for some game. I reached for my coat, to find that it had been taken. I turned back to the President. "Their grandfather doesn't like the cold." I wanted to shout, "that was my coat!" But again, I looked at the placid smiling face of my host and decided I was being a poor sport. I spread my hands helplessly and chuckled. Then I felt my hip pocket and realized my wallet was gone. I excused myself and walked to a phone on an elegant side table. I learned shortly that my credit cards had been maxed out, my bank accounts emptied, my retirement and equity portfolios had vanished, and my wife had been thrown out of our home. Apparently, the waiters and their families were moving in. The President hadn't moved or spoken as I learned all this, but finally I lowered the phone into its cradle and turned to face him. "Andrew's whole family has made bad financial decisions. They haven't planned for retirement and they need a house. They recently defaulted on a subprime mortgage. I told them they could have your home. They need it more than you do." My hands were shaking. I felt faint I stumbled back to the table and knelt on the floor. The President cheerfully cut his meat, ate his steak, and drank his wine. I lowered my eyes and stared at the small grey circles on the tablecloth that were water drops. "By the way," he added, "I have just signed an Executive Order nationalizing your factories. I'm firing you as head of your business. I'll be operating the firm now for the benefit of all mankind. There's a whole bunch of Erics and Andrews out there and they can't come to you for jobs groveling like beggars...we need to spread YOUR wealth around..." I looked up. The President dropped his spoon into the empty ramekin which had been hiscrè me Brule. He drained the last drops of his wine. As the table was cleared, he lit a cigarette and leaned back in his chair. He stared at me. I clung to the edge of the table as if it were a ledge and I were a man hanging over an abyss. I thought of the years behind me, of the life I had lived. The life I had earned with a lifetime of work, risk and struggle. Why was I punished? How had I allowed it to be taken? What game had I played and lost? I looked across the table and noticed with some surprise that there was no game board between us. What had I done wrong? As if answering the unspoken thought, President Obama suddenly cocked his head, locked his empty eyes to mine, and bared a million teeth, chuckling wryly as he folded his hands. "You should have stopped me at the dinner roll," he said. WAKE UP AMERICA !!! |
| ham1198 174 posts msg #91204 - Ignore ham1198 |
4/15/2010 8:24:30 AM I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue. My Dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?” Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ………… “Took acid once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter." |
| crunkle 54 posts msg #91270 - Ignore crunkle |
4/16/2010 11:52:17 AM Here's a prime example of 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix . The professor told his class one day, 'Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.' The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary. ------------------------------------------- (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. (second paragraph by Gary ) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. 'A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,' he said into his transgalactic communicator. 'Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...' But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. 'Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,' Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. 'Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?' she wondered wistfully.. ( Gary ) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie. (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. ( Gary ) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. 'Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F****** TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!' (Rebecca) A**hole ( Gary ) Bitch! (Rebecca) F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL! ( Gary ) Go drink some tea - whore. (TEACHER) A+ I really liked this one. |
| karennma 8,057 posts msg #91439 - Ignore karennma |
4/20/2010 3:00:33 PM What's the difference between Lloyd Blankfein and God? God doesn't think He's Lloyd Blankfein. |
| TheRumpledOne 6,529 posts msg #91499 - Ignore TheRumpledOne |
4/21/2010 5:39:30 PM (TEACHER) A+ I really liked this one. ============= I did, too...LOL!!! |
| crunkle 54 posts msg #91741 - Ignore crunkle |
4/28/2010 11:49:24 AM I have authored a new book....... I hope to share some of my many insightful tips on improving your golf game. Many of you may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last 2 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book. I am very proud of the results, and to assist with the marketing, I am asking friends and family to help me out. I believe my new book on GOLF gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of struggle and experience. I'm hopeful you find this a useful tool to help you enjoy your game that much more as you enjoy the great outdoors. The cost is only $9.95. Don't wait until they're all gone !!!! Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt. Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the Tee. Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker. Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank. Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger. Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings. Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management. Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m. Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round. Chapter 10- When Does A Divot Become Classified as Sod. Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the water. Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th. Chapter 13- Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight. Chapter 14-When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome. Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee. Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent. Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three-Putt. Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever. Chapter 19- Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique. Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game? Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, but will Balk at $2.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bartender. Thanking you in advance for your cash. |
| machismo 115 posts msg #92151 - Ignore machismo |
5/5/2010 5:24:12 PM Lost In Translation :Chinglish http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2010/05/03/world/asia/20100503_CHINGLISH.html?ref=asia |
| crunkle 54 posts msg #93663 - Ignore crunkle |
6/9/2010 3:32:38 PM DEMENTIA QUIZ FIRST QUESTION: YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN? ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE! TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK? SECOND QUESTION: IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....? ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE..... WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON?? YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU? THIRD QUESTION: VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT. TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30. ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL? DID YOU GET 5000? THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100... IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR! TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT? MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT... MAYBE... FOURTH QUESTION: MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ??? WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER? DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T. HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN! OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF: A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE. NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS? IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT... DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK?? IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST! PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE! HAVE A NICE DAY, ONE AND ALL. |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #93670 - Ignore johnpaulca |
6/9/2010 6:18:06 PM A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian |
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