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| karennma 8,057 posts msg #88867 - Ignore karennma |
2/28/2010 6:47:13 PM "6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. " ================================================================================================ ROFLMAO!! |
| abelincoln 126 posts msg #88869 - Ignore abelincoln |
2/28/2010 7:00:51 PM Marriage Humour -------------------------------------------------------- A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' ------------------------------- Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?' Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.' Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?' Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?' -------------------------------------------------------- Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' ------------------------------- Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' ------------------------------------------------------------ Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.' ------------------------------- A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!' ------------------------------- A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned' |
| abelincoln 126 posts msg #88870 - Ignore abelincoln |
2/28/2010 7:02:18 PM Take my wife, please! -Henny Youngman |
| abelincoln 126 posts msg #88872 - Ignore abelincoln |
2/28/2010 7:22:47 PM Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" ----------------------------------- A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?" ----------------------------------- The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" ----------------------------------- A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" ----------------------------------- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. ----------------------------------- Wife Joke She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" ----------------------------------- 2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!" ----------------------------------- A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!" ----------------------------------- A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." ----------------------------------- **** Henny Youngman (King of one liners) **** |
| abelincoln 126 posts msg #88873 - Ignore abelincoln |
2/28/2010 7:26:10 PM ...1 last joke one for the road "What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!" Long live Henny Youngman (King of one liners) |
| crunkle 54 posts msg #88979 - Ignore crunkle |
3/2/2010 9:54:13 PM How about a little Rodney Dangerfield: "My uncle got arrested for sodomy. Good thing he knew the judge - he got the charges reduced to tailgaiting." "I looked into my daughters high school yearbook. She's been voted most likely to conceive." A hooker told me "not on the first date!" |
| crunkle 54 posts msg #88980 - Ignore crunkle modified |
3/2/2010 10:45:20 PM One morning four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were sipping coffee at the diner. The first Catholic man said, "you know, my son is a priest and whenever he walks into a room people stand up and say ' Oh,Father'. The second man said, "my son is a bishop and when he walks into a room people stand up and say Oh, Your Grace'. The third man said, "my son is a cardinal and when he walks in people stand and say , Oh,Your Eminence'. Man #4 said, "my son is the pope and when he walk in the room people stand up and say "Oh, Your Holiness'. The four men then all looked over at the woman as if to say well......... The woman took a moment while she looked them over and then said "I don't have any sons, but I do have a daughter. Her measurements are 38 - 24 - 36 and she's drop-dead georgeous. When she walks into a room people stand up and say 'Oh My God' |
| crunkle 54 posts msg #89437 - Ignore crunkle modified |
3/11/2010 3:38:55 PM A month of Rodney Dangerfield February 1 I tell ya, with my wife I got no sex life. Just when I get going, she wakes up. February 2 I`m trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don`t know if I`m coming or going. February 3 Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. February 4 I don`t get no respect. I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it. February 5 I tell ya, blind dates never work out. I had a blind date. The girl, she showed up, she was pregnant. What do ya say to a girl that`s pregnant? What have you been doing lately? And she told me she had a fight with her boyfriend. I said, "Look, you tell your boyfriend next time you fight, he should knock you down." February 6 I tell ya, my wife, she likes to talk during sex. The other night she called me from a motel. February 7 I tell ya, I come from a tough neighborhood. Why, just last week some guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn`t a real professional job. There was butter on it. February 8 I get no respect. I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhhh." February 9 I tell ya, I`m not a sexy guy. I was with one girl, I said to her, "Come on honey, I`ll show ya where it`s at." She said, "You`d better, `cause the last time I couldn`t find it." February 10 Last Christmas I got no respect. I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweatshirt with a bullseye in the back! February 11 I tell ya, a lot of people are in bad shape. A guy stopped me in the street the other day. He told me he hasn`t eaten in five days. I told him, I said, "I wish I had your will power." February 12 With my wife I don't get no respect. When I had diabetes she kept sending me candy grams. February 13 I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it. February 14 I don't get no respect. I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance. February 15 Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United. February 16 I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin and had to do the dishes. February 17 I tell ya when I fly I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out. February 18 I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!" February 19 I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies. February 20 I get no respect. This last week my tie was on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! February 21 It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark. February 22 When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was lost on the beach and the cop helped me look for my parents I said, "Do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there's so many places they could hide." February 23 I tellin ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel. February 24 Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an Odor-Eater. February 25 I tell ya I get no respect. I told my dentist to put in a new tooth to match my other teeth. He put in a tooth with four cavities. February 26 With my wife I get no respect. I took her to a drive-in movie. I spent the whole night tryin to find out what car she was in. February 27 With my wife I don't get no respect. She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh. February 28 With my wife I don't get no respect. I bought a used car. And found my wife's dress in the back seat. |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #90924 - Ignore johnpaulca |
4/8/2010 11:52:33 AM Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.' One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.  |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #90984 - Ignore johnpaulca |
4/9/2010 2:36:42 PM CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate Funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge Heart... Covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service As all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, The heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, Sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.. At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all Eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my Own funeral... I'm a gynecologist. The proctologist fainted. |
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