| StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES | << 1 ... 15 16 17 18 19 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #84861 - Ignore johnpaulca |
12/23/2009 12:21:48 PM 9 months later!!! > > John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. > So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. > > After driving for a few hours, they got caught in > a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the > attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. > > 'I realize its terrible weather out there and I > have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she > explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my > house.' > > 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep > in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The > lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for > the night. > > Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they > got on their way. > They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. > > But about nine months later, John got an > unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it > out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that > attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. > > He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, > 'Keith, do youremember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on > our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' > > 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. > > 'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of > the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' > > 'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed > about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' > > 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of > telling her your name?' > > Keith's face turned beet red and he said, > 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' > 'Why do you ask?' > > 'She just died and left me everything.' You guys thought it was............ (: |
| trendscanner 265 posts msg #85471 - Ignore trendscanner |
1/3/2010 5:37:53 PM I predict that in 10 years we'll look back at the upcoming decade with 2020 vision...... |
| trendscanner 265 posts msg #86002 - Ignore trendscanner |
1/12/2010 8:02:09 AM For those of you who fly a lot...... After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS runs the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. |
| luc1grunt 622 posts msg #86492 - Ignore luc1grunt |
1/18/2010 12:11:51 PM I took a 9 to 5 job in Vegas I didn't like the job, but the odds were great. |
| karennma 8,057 posts msg #87472 - Ignore karennma |
1/30/2010 10:32:18 AM It's Hell to be Old OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help.. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked!'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.' |
| abelincoln 126 posts msg #88128 - Ignore abelincoln |
2/11/2010 12:24:38 PM 2 things that irritate me crabs and Saraah Palin |
| abelincoln 126 posts msg #88133 - Ignore abelincoln |
2/11/2010 12:49:12 PM funny dream I dreamt last night that I just got into a long position and it went down almost to zero, in minutes,what do I do cover for a loss or wait for rise... couldn't figure out what was happening, then realized it could only be one thing, naked short selling...it just wouldn't stop going down I'm sure someone will find it funny I got to get to bed earlier and stop snacking on Entenmanns late at nite:-) maybe tonight, I'm a naked short, and the only thing left will be my shorts after a buy-in, lol |
| johnpaulca 12,036 posts msg #88753 - Ignore johnpaulca |
2/25/2010 7:14:43 PM This could happen to you. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!' And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?' What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!' At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?' Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them 'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!' Then I hear the person say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.' |
| four 5,087 posts msg #88833 - Ignore four |
2/27/2010 2:18:43 PM YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave... 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you... 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses . 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12.. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF |
| abelincoln 126 posts msg #88866 - Ignore abelincoln |
2/28/2010 6:45:15 PM Good one four |
| StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES | << 1 ... 15 16 17 18 19 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up |
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